I like to watch HGTV and DIY network television. I know, I know. Why? Apparently I’m destined to find myself perplexed every day that I turn on such shows as “My First Place” and “House Hunters.” How can I become one of those single-income, work-at-home families who is financing $550,000 for a home in Someplace Sunny, USA? Well, at any rate, as I watch these shows of young couples searching for their overpriced, small-scale mansion that they intend to finance to the hilt and have them eating Ramen Noodles for the next 30 years, I find myself hearing the same stupid phrase out of the mouths of babes. I mean, MEN. “I really need a place for a man cave.” What? Let’s dive into this…
You get married. You’re married to a woman. You’ve read the books, seen the movies, did the research. You’re legally bound to one another until death or a really expensive divorce lawyer says otherwise. You’re going to have a “home” together. This means you will both be living under the same roof, using the same household appliances, and suffering the same woes of the world….. (pregnant pause)…. together. You’re on a show such as “House Hunters” touring homes that you may or may not pay an exorbitant amount of money for and your only response when asked how you like each place is, “Well, I really like this one because it has a great spot for my man cave.”
What the heck does that mean? You need a man cave? I mean, the basic premise of a man cave should offend most women. It’s as if to say, “Hunny, I need a space that I can go to as a sanctuary to get as far away from you as possible. In addition, I want to put up some asinine collection of shot glasses and beer bottles in front of sports pennants in a feeble attempt to reclaim my lost youth. I also want to waste a large amount of money putting in an Xbox 360 or PS3, a flat-screen TV, and a surround sound that will wake the neighbors and surely cause permanent hearing damage to all of our unborn children. I don’t want you to be offended because I’m a man, and this is what men do. We are cave dwellers. Also, we need a “safe” place to store our Hustler mags and other stuff you don’t approve of me having like cigars or secret stashes of Kodiak Wintergreen. Oh, and most importantly, it’s not for WOMEN. You can’t come in. Not even if there’s a fire. Okay, thanks.”
Here’s how I look at it: if you NEED a man cave, you probably shouldn’t have gotten married. I mean, you have to work together and figure out how to compromise on your home’s setup, right? Oh wait…maybe I just have a deluded sense of marriage? Save that for another post… Secondly, if you want to claim a space as “yours” and “yours” alone, MEN, then why not the garage? That’s a man’s domain, right? But an entire basement devoted to debauchery reserved ONLY for the man of the house? Ridiculous. If a woman proclaimed something so bold as “I need a Ladies Lounge” people would roll their eyes in disgust and scoff at the mere idea of such depraved thinking. You’re married. You’re supposed to hang out together. It’s part of the deal. Man cave? Sounds like douchebaggery taken to new heights, in my opinion.
So gentlemen, I’d suggest you look at the really important aspects of a home when you’re purchasing one. Perhaps the number of bedrooms or bathrooms, or dare I say it, whether or not the kitchen has adequate counter space. Because let’s face it, if your final deciding factor on a home purchase is whether or not you have space for a “man cave” or not, I’d say you’re already on the fast-track to living in the dog house for the rest of your married life.